Tuesday, September 20, 2011

A Wake for a Bird

The Holidays. Several weeks of worrying about travel, embarrassing relatives, forced conversations with people with whom you have nothing to talk about. Sure, there's some quality eating to be done, but after your end-of-year "vacation," you're looking forward to getting back to work, right?

OK, I get along great with my family, but this is the kind of lament that, if you haven't experienced it yourself, you know people who have, and do year after year. Wouldn't it be nice to have the good part of the holidays (that is, the food) without the obligations of family?

I propose a new annual tradition. Every year, friends should gather and have a huge meal. Thanksgiving turkey-with-all-the-trimmings minus the "Thanksgiving" part. Because every tradition needs something more than "that day we all stuff ourselves silly," my proposal is to hold a good old-fashioned wake. The guest of honor? Why, the deceased, of course. The reason we're all assembled. The turkey.

The organization of a wake is a personal thing, of course, but if I might make one suggestion, it would be for each diner to say a few words in the departed's honor. If each eulogy is accompanied by, say, a shot of whiskey, I certainly would not disparage. The whole idea is for everyone to enjoy the occassion, so have fun with it. Give the turkey a name, make up a back-story, share personal anecdotes. And don't worry if different people's stories are inconsistent.

So, when should this new holiday be held? Sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas (or your solstice-adjacent holiday of choice or custom) would perhaps be ideal, as a lighthearted break from holidays steeped with long-held traditions of no real immediate relevance. That might not be practical, however, depending on your and your friends' travel plans. Besides, after Thanksgiving everyone is sort of burned out on turkey. A few weeks beforehand, however, and you can justify it as a Thanksgiving dress rehearsal. You might even get some interesting ideas for new dishes to add to your family's Thanksgiving, if you're willing to brave the silent or vocal scorn of your relatives, for whom it's just not Thanksgiving without the same menu as the last century of Thanksgivings. And that's almost reason enough to hold a Turkey Wake—new side dishes, a new kind of gravy, stuffing made with cornbread instead of regular bread; the possibilities are endless!

I hope that this year you'll hold a Turkey Wake, with as many friends as you can. And spread the word. Next year, I want to see a line of Hallmark Turkey Wake cards, tacky cardboard decorations in all the supermarkets, and Turkey-Wake-themed songs on the radio. The following year, I want to hear people complain, "It's not even Halloween, and already they're putting up the Turkey Wake decorations!" This thing is going to be huge.

Feel free to leave your own ideas, including for a better name than "Turkey Wake," in the comments.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Bullshit Update

I'm still happy to take requests for long-form bullshitting here, but I'm also bullshitting on Google+ in smaller, bite-sized pieces.